Protecting My Peace
"What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?"
'Nice' is one of my favorite songs on that album and this is one of my favorite lyrics.
If you think about it though; if you're really honest with yourself a better way to ask this question is what would you do if you were COMPLETELY fearless and trusted God 100%.
I'm learning how to do that. To take the step when I can't see clearly where my foot is going to land and let me tell you...
IT'S EXTREMELY HARD AT TIMES.
This past week has been one of the most overwhelming weeks of my life. I was in my head in a way that I haven't been in a while and I didn't realize how bad it was until I was driving one day.
As I was speeding down the freeway heading to a place I was slowly growing to despise, I couldn't stop the negative thoughts. Normally I could shut them down with a Bible verse or just thinking about God, but not this day. I couldn't stop the voice from telling me how much I'd messed up. That if I was smarter I wouldn't be in this place. That they were going to realize that I'm trash, then what?
I was being consumed by the voice.
Hearing your voice drag you in your head really messes with you. I felt like I was drowning from the inside. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I remember thinking "If I just crash into this freeway divider, I can make all this go away."
I just wanted the voice to stop.
I burst out into tears because I hadn't been in that place in a long time and all I could think was how did I get back here? I thought I'd conquered this.
It's hard to stay positive when you think God isn't listening, especially when you're being intentional about being in His will. It's like, "Dang!!! I'm actually doing what you told me to do. Why are you dragging me??"
I'd had a moment that I wasn't proud of, but I was determined to not stay there. I had a real conversation with God. I read my devotional that day. I watched some sermons on YouTube. I listened to a podcast and they all had a central theme: what are you willing to go through to get to where you know you're supposed to be?
Then He gave me an epiphany:"I have to build you up to take you where you want to go and I need you to know you can handle it. "
We ask God to bless us, but we don't ask Him to prepare us. To equipt us so we can maintain the blessing. It's because we don't think about stewardship is relation to blessings.
I want to be a good steward over what's to come, so if I have to go though LITERAL HELL to get there, then so be it. What gets me though is what I'm going through this hell for.
What would I do if I knew I couldn't fail?
Well... I would jump head first into my calling. I would go to school and start my business while I was still in school. I would build up a steady clientele, be a good steward over my finances and quit my traditional job. I would go around doing what I'm supposed to be doing and teaching others how to do it too. I would make it my mission to change lives for the better. I would get to the point where I could have my mother and grandmother retire. I would "break the curse of my family not having it, I'm passionate..." (one of my favorite Big Sean verses).
And guess what?
I'm going to do these things.
And y'all are going to see me do it. I will continue to live bold and out loud for God because despite the hard work it will take,
Despite how intimidated I am by my dreams,
Despite being dragged by life and feeling like I want to give up from time to time, I know too much.
Romans 5:3-5 says, “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (NIV)
See, He's prepping me for where I'm going and with what I'll need to stay there. How dare I cut His glory through my life short because it's getting uncomfortable? I bet that cross was REAL uncomfortable.
So what will I do since I know I can't fail?
Everything He's called me to❤️.