I was terrified of a broken heart (honesty: Step 2)
I've been "in love" three times in my life. Each one of them were different in their own way, but they all ended the same...
I'm talking about the 'full blown depression, can't eat, barely sleep, my chest hurts where my heart is because it feels like someone just ripped it out of my chest' kind of heartbreak.
Like I said in one of my previous posts, I haven't always been the smartest when it comes to love. I've allowed men into spaces that they had no business and when they were finished destroying my heart, all I was left with were the pieces that don't all fit together...
So because of this, I was anti-marriage and anti relationship for a while. I didn't talk about it much because I believed in love and all that for others, I just didn't think it was going to happen for me. I was cool with having 'friends' and 'being cool', but I was not on building a future with someone...
Then God got to work...
One of the things I love/dislike about my church is that I'm surrounded by families. When I was going through my heartbreak, I hated going to church because it was a reminder of what I wanted so bad but felt like I could never get to. The last one was particularly hard because this is someone that at the time I had to interact with. It was someone that I gave my everything to because I wanted them to choose me, just for them to choose someone else. I was so hurt, but I didn't want to be bitter, so I started reading on bitterness.
Ephesians 4:31 says "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."
Can't even lie, I had an attitude when I read this lol. I didn't want to be bitter, but I was comfortable in my anger because it justified me being stank to him.
I couldn't though. God didn't create me to be a bitter person. He didn't create me to be an angry person, so I had to forgive.
And there's freedom in forgiveness.
The Holy Spirit lives in me, so that means freedom is accessible. I just had to go get it. And I did.
I gave it to God. All of it.
The feeling of abandonment and feeling of being 'less than'.
The fear of making bad decisions.
The thought that I knew what was best for me when it came to a significant other.
And an amazing thing happened...
I began to feel optimistic and hopeful. I started talking to my friends that were married and allowed them to minister to me about marriage.
I started to be open.
And I started to heal...
Now, I'm not afraid if a broken heart because I've learned how to guard it better and worse case scenario, I know where to go to be healed.
So I encourage you let go of your past. We have all messed up, especially when it comes to relationships. If you're like me, you didn't have a consistent example of what a healthy relationship looked like growing up, so to a certain expect, we're winging this lol.
It's OK though.
Take your time and allow God to minister to those parts that are broken and need to be rebuilt.
Once you're in a better place, God will introduce someone that will show you why all those other situations fell apart. I'm a witness😏😉.
The sound that perfectly reflects where I am. Love won't leave me out ☺️☺️