(I had an eye roll in my spirit when I started this post, but by the end I was thanking God lol.)
You know those feelings.
The ones we hate to admit we have and refuse to acknowledge...
I came face to face with some of mine today and it sucked.
I used to have a rule for myself. I would give myself one day to feel everything I was as going to feel about a situation. I would cry, scream, yell, whatever I needed to do, but I gave myself one day to do that. After that day, I refused to acknowledge the feelings anymore.
The older I get though, the more I realize that my 'one day' philosophy isn't as effective as it used to be. Mainly because I'm trying to force myself to analyze years of pain and rejection in one day, which isn't fair to me.
I have put my heart in some pretty messed up situations in my 26 years of life. I've opened myself up to a lot of emotional abuse and not until a few months ago have I completely removed myself from those toxic situations. I'm thankful that I got out of them, but I've had a hard time fully acknowledging those scars and what they mean because to me...
They represented my weakness.
My lack of self esteem or worth...
They magnified my flaws in a way that I wasn't ready to admit to.
Because to fully acknowledge those scars means getting to the roots:
Why did I allow this?
Why did I trust them over my gut?
Why was I willing to settle?
And you can't analyze all of that in one day...
So today when I saw someone who is a trigger for me and I felt those emotions rise in me, I fully embraced them. Not in a, "You hurt me and I'm about to pop off" kind of way, but in a, "That's my past. It happened, it hurt, it still hurts, but I'm going to be OK because I'm still unpacking the lessons of this situation" kind of way.
I allowed myself to feel the hurt. The disappointment. The betrayal. The sadness. I analyzed and thought about the lesson in each emotion. I then prayed. I thanked God for hindsight. I thanked Him for being a God who covered me in those situations, despite me being out of His will. I then thanked Him for the strength to be able to handle those emotions because I knew it was the Holy Spirit and not me.
As I prayed, a peace just settled over me...
Now that's not to say that I won't ever feel a way again because feelings are tricky like that, but I will say that I won't run from them anymore. I owe it to myself to get to the root and pull them up. That's where forgiveness, healing, and freedom comes from.
So I encourage you to embrace the feelings. Ask God to show you the roots and start doing the work to pull them up...
Thank me later 😉☺️