Dear Elizabeth...

When I was 18 or 19, I had a miscarriage. It never really started to bother me until recently. One night, I woke up in tears and felt led to write this letter... I then felt let to share...

Dear Elizabeth,

I never would've named you that in real life, but that's the name your auntie J came up with, so yea lol... 

We never got far enough to get to real names though. I remember when I first found out about you. I was emotionally all over the place. I was happy, sad, scared... 

I didn't know what to do, but once I made my decision, I became extremely protective. I just knew you would be a girl. I was already thinking about how you would look and what your personality would be like. 

When I first started bleeding, the doctor said I was threatening to lose you, that I was under too much stress and that I needed to relax. 

I was working two jobs, in school, had family stuff going on, and in a relationship. Yea, I was stressed. 

But I didn't want to lose you... 

I remember rubbing my stomach and thinking I promise I'll calm down. I promise I'll eat better and treat myself better. I promise daddy and mommy with be better to one another.

I promise.. 

I remember the day you left me.

I remember knowing the moment it happened.

My heart dropping to the floor.

My looking in the toilet and seeing...

You...

I sat there and stared for what felt like forever, but eventually I had to flush.

It was the hardest thing for me to do. I felt a part of me die that day.

My sadness turned into anger. I hated everybody. 

Myself most. 

What was wrong with me? 

Why does a part of me feel relieved? 

Why couldn't I carry you? 

Protect you?

Why am I broken?.. 

I handled all those emotions the best way I knew how to then. 

I bottled them up and acted like they didn't exist. I told everyone that I was good. 

Ok. 

Fine. 

It's just another one of those things... 

And I was able to live in that space for a long time. 

Until Jayonna. 

She changed everything. Your God sister stabbed a piece of me that I didn't realize was still broken. 

I was devastated because not only was I grieving her, but a part of me had began to grieve for you too...

But I wasn't ready, so I shut it down and I was ok... 

Until recently...

You've been bombarding me lately and I don't know how I feel about it. 

I keep dreaming about you. 

Seeing you... 

One of my consistent prayers has been for God to help expose all the things that I need to deal with so He could use me fully. I believe that's the reason you keep coming to me. I think it's so I can grieve you properly, then let go. Looking back, I know why you came into my life when you did. The thought of you made me want to be a better person.

It still does.

So thank you. I love you. And I hope I'm making you proud😊. 

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Akira4 Comments