When I was 18 or 19, I had a miscarriage. It never really started to bother me until recently. One night, I woke up in tears and felt led to write this letter... I then felt let to share...
I never would've named you that in real life, but that's the name your auntie J came up with, so yea lol...
We never got far enough to get to real names though. I remember when I first found out about you. I was emotionally all over the place. I was happy, sad, scared...
I didn't know what to do, but once I made my decision, I became extremely protective. I just knew you would be a girl. I was already thinking about how you would look and what your personality would be like.
When I first started bleeding, the doctor said I was threatening to lose you, that I was under too much stress and that I needed to relax.
I was working two jobs, in school, had family stuff going on, and in a relationship. Yea, I was stressed.
But I didn't want to lose you...
I remember rubbing my stomach and thinking I promise I'll calm down. I promise I'll eat better and treat myself better. I promise daddy and mommy with be better to one another.
I remember the day you left me.
I remember knowing the moment it happened.
My heart dropping to the floor.
My looking in the toilet and seeing...
I sat there and stared for what felt like forever, but eventually I had to flush.
It was the hardest thing for me to do. I felt a part of me die that day.
My sadness turned into anger. I hated everybody.
What was wrong with me?
Why does a part of me feel relieved?
Why couldn't I carry you?
Why am I broken?..
I handled all those emotions the best way I knew how to then.
I bottled them up and acted like they didn't exist. I told everyone that I was good.
It's just another one of those things...
And I was able to live in that space for a long time.
She changed everything. Your God sister stabbed a piece of me that I didn't realize was still broken.
I was devastated because not only was I grieving her, but a part of me had began to grieve for you too...
But I wasn't ready, so I shut it down and I was ok...
You've been bombarding me lately and I don't know how I feel about it.
I keep dreaming about you.
One of my consistent prayers has been for God to help expose all the things that I need to deal with so He could use me fully. I believe that's the reason you keep coming to me. I think it's so I can grieve you properly, then let go. Looking back, I know why you came into my life when you did. The thought of you made me want to be a better person.
It still does.
So thank you. I love you. And I hope I'm making you proud😊.